To The Residents of SimCity

Residents of SimCity:

Good afternoon, and thank you for joining me.

I do not stand before you to beg forgiveness for my lapses in judgment or transgressions of civic morality. I do not stand here in the hope of plaudits and acclaim for my hours and hours of tireless service, zoning and planning our fair SimCity. Instead, I thought we should talk. Government, after all, should be a two-way street, not a cul-de-sac (which I am still trying to figure out how to build).

I have been mayor now for more than 200 years, since our majestic city’s founding in January, 1901. In that time, we’ve seen a lot together, and although I do not actually live inside the city, and instead manage SimCity from my invisible mayor’s palace in the sky, I still feel like a citizen. Ich bin ein SimCity Resident.

If you want to applaud that, go right ahead. I’ll hold. It says right here: hold for applause.

Remember when you used to throw parades for me? Spontaneously! My approval rating was at nearly 80%, if you’ll recall. There are times since then that I’ve have been distant, I’ll grant. I believe I have apologized sufficiently for the time I watched an episode of House, M.D. while the city was running at the very fast Llama Speed (Alt-3). By the time House, while talking to Wilson about the lacrosse play known as the Flying Disrespect, realized that his patient’s platelets were behaving like midfielders, checking the progress of the white blood cells and preventing them from “scoring,” SimCity had aged 35 years, and the 20% tax rate had filled the city’s coffers but forced residents out like rats from a sinking ship.

Considering the lack of roads connecting SimCity to our neighboring cities, I can only assume that those residents left the city by taking the long trek through the thick, undeveloped woods along our city’s edge. I now know the lengths you SimCitizens will go to avoid a crippling tax rate.

I have watched you, and I have listened to you. We can get back to the good times, the boom years. I have lowered the tax rate to a very reasonable 8%, and I pledge to no longer build large highway systems that spell the word “BUTTRECTUM” when read from above. Two such freeways are enough for one city.

I have word from my Health and Education advisor that schools need to be built AND funded to affect your education levels. Consider this a mea culpa. I pledge today to raise the funding of our education system from the current 0% up to whatever level will stop the teachers from striking. Your voices have been heard, people. Your voices have been heard.

I have also finally decided to build some police stations on crime-infested Stadium Island, although I would like to point out that most other cities are lucky to have even one stadium: I have given you six, conveniently placed on an island. I even built a bridge connecting the island to the rest of the city despite the fact that, due to a glitch, I did not need to build access to the stadiums to get the benefits (such as increased growth in Commerce). But I will build the police station, raising land from the depths of Lake Can’tThinkofaName to do so. The $25 per raised tile is a small price to pay to make you happy. Go sports teams!

While I am coming clean, I may as well say it: I am the one who summoned the alien attack fleet. I simply decided to see the effects an alien invasion force would have on SimCity. Simple curiosity, nothing more. It turns out, the aliens mostly just set a couple fires and destroyed some buildings. Even if we had a sufficient police force to deal with the alien threat, it would have been both unnecessary and, perhaps, foolish to try to fight extraterrestrials with the puny weapons of our Earth police.

I tell you, I believe the power to summon aliens is a power too great for any mayor to resist. The same goes for the ability to create earthquakes and volcanoes. I appreciate it, but perhaps our SimCity scientists should work on building something other than a machine that rips the ground asunder. We should seriously consider passing some sort of civic ordinance that prevents me from forcing disasters upon our city.

That is correct, I am willing to contemplate limits to my power. In fact, the very fact that I used the default name for our fair city, rather than name it Curtis City, Curtistown, Curtisville, or Batman, signifies my belief that this city, SimCity, is not just about me and my whims.

Know that I love and respect each and every one of you, and I will always hold SimCity’s anthem in my heart: I have been listening to it on repeat for 200 years. It is a very catchy anthem that loops seamlessly.

Any questions?


Then this press conference is over.

Oh, and when I get a chance I’ll build some water pipes.

Curtis Retherford


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