The year is twenty-oh-ten, people. Welcome to the future. Not so shabby is it? Well, no flying cars, but look on the bright side, there are still plenty of idiots who mention the lack of flying cars every time you bring up the future. That’s something, right?
Okay, I need you to look farther than today and farther than tomorrow, I need you to stare deep into a likely future where I have a child. Do you see it? Now I want you to imagine a slightly less likely future where I actually know that I have a child. Got it? Now I need you to imagine the least likely of futures, a future where my child’s mother allows me to name our first born son Cthulu Dorsey. Are you there? Good. And action:
Adam: Hey, Cthulu!
Cthulu: Hey, Dad!
Adam: I have a present for you!
Cthulu: What is it, Dad?!
Cthulu: YAY! Let me turn on my xbox 1440!
Adam: Oh, no, you don’t have to do that.
Cthulu: Oh, okay, I’ll turn on my PS9.
Adam: No, son, they’re Legos. Blocks. We just build them.
Cthulu: We just build them?
Adam: Yeah, with our hands. Here, let me show you. See, we just follow these directions, and then we’ll build what’s on the box.
Cthulu: Oh! Like in Lego Star Wars: The Additional Trilogy. I know how to do this!
And so we get to building. And we build. And we build. And it takes Cthulu much longer than he expected it to take, but soon, we have everything put together, and we both stand back smiling. I look to my son, proud to be the father of Cthulu Dorsey, but Cthulu’s smile turns upside-down.
Adam: What’s wrong, son?
Cthulu: Why haven’t the studs popped out yet?
Adam: The what?
Cthulu: The studs. When you finish building Legos, a pile of studs always pop out. That’s how you know you’re done. The blue ones are worth a lot.
Adam: No, son, studs aren’t going to pop out.
Cthulu: Well, then how will we unlock new characters?
Adam: We’ll have to go to the store and buy them with real money.
Cthulu: Weird. So what now? Do we replay it again in Free Play mode to try and get all of the minikits?
Adam: Sort of. We can take it apart, and build whatever we want to.
Cthulu: But then how do we get the red brick?
Adam: We don’t.
Cthulu: Without the red brick, how do we unlock cheats to get more studs to earn more achievements?
Adam: We don’t. There aren’t any cheats. There aren’t any achievements.
Cthulu: Then what’s the point?
Adam: To build stuff. To use our imaginations.
Cthulu: Oh. Okay. Well, you can do that, Dad, but I think I’m just going to go play Lego Grand Theft Auto instead.
And he runs off to his room. “Don’t run over any prostitutes!” I scream after him, but I realize that’s a futile request. “At least put them back together after you do!”