Tiny Tower isn’t a game you guys. IT ISN’T EVEN A GAME. Oh my god, what am I doing with my life?!
Developed by NimbleBit (those guys what brought you Pocket Frogs), Tiny Tower is an iOS “game” where–look, I’ll just let NimbleBit tell you:
“Tiny Tower lets you build a tiny tower and manage the businesses and bitizens that inhabit it!”
NEATO! I don’t know what a bitizen is, but that sounds pretty cool, I guess. Fun, yeah? Fun. And look, it’s got this sweet pixelated art-style that’s bound to seduce every old-school gamer reading this right here. I’m sure this might even be attractive to some of you young hipster gamers who weren’t even alive when pixels were a thing we had to deal with. “Hey, remember Pixels?! We do too! Remember Sim Tower? Sorta? Just a little bit? Yeah, us too. Well, take everything you loved/sorta-remember about Sim Tower and put it on your phone!”
Now take everything out of it that makes it a game!
Tiny Tower is charming. God, Tiny Tower is so effing charming, you guys. Okay, so here’s what you do: people move into your tower, you build floors for them to live in, you build floors for them to work in, you stock the businesses with what they need, and you funnel the little pixelated people back and forth in an elevator to get them where they need to be. From doing all of that you make more money to build more floors to move in more people. LET’S NOT EVEN TALK ABOUT HOW ARCHITECTURALLY UNSOUND IT IS TO BUILD A TOWER FLOOR BY FLOOR, OKAY?
So you do all of those things and it’s cute, like a less creepy ant farm–yeah, you know, ant farms, they’re like a less creepy Sim Ant–and it all works kind of like Farmville with a better art-style, only without all of the social aspects of Farmville. This has the benefit of not bugging the shit out of your Facebook friends, while having the boringfit of OH GOD I’M SO ALONE AND THE THING THAT FARMVILLE DOES TO MAKE THIS A GAME ISN’T EVEN HERE, WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!
But that’s the thing. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you this whole time, you guys, that’s why we’re here. Tiny Tower isn’t a game. This isn’t something to play around with. Oh god, I effed up, okay, I fucking effed up big time because–although it looked like I was paying attention to what I was writing up there–I really was just restocking my record store… And I had to take that guy in the elevator to floor 15… And we just broke ground on a new floor AND OH EM GOD, WHERE DID IT ALL GO WRONG?
I downloaded this game because it’s free in the app store, but that was weeks ago, and now I’m 64 floors in and I bought an iPad as a productivity tool but now I’m just using it to play this stupid thing and I had to turn the push alerts off because I kept stopping working at work BECAUSE MY TOWER JUST DINGED AND SOMETHING NEEDS RESTOCKING and IS THIS WHY MY GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP WITH ME and DID YOU KNOW A PERSON CAN GET ALL THE R.E.M. SLEEP THEY NEED EVEN IF THEY WAKE UP EVERY FIFTEEN MINUTES TO CHECK ON THEIR TOWER? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE SLEEPY? IT FEELS LIKE YOU’RE IN A NIGHTMARE FROM WHICH THERE IS NO WAKE? THAT’S WHAT COFFEE IS FOR, YOU FUCKING AMATEUR.
Oh god. What happened. Where am I. Where’s the question mark key on this thing.
Don’t answer that? Don’t download Tiny Tower. Tiny Tower isn’t a game, it’s a grenade, and those assholes at NimbleBit pulled the pin, and thank god I was here to jump on that shit for you. You might look at that bloody shrapnel and think “OH THAT LOOKS LIKE A FUN THING TO PLAY ON THE TOILET” but let me tell you there is not enough time and there are not enough toilets and soon you’re just pretending to be doing things on the toilet–and then it gets worse and pretending isn’t enough anymore and then you’re poisoning yourself by eating at the bad Mexican restaurant with the C rating from the food board, BECAUSE THIS WILL MEAN SOME REAL GOOD TOILET TIME, YOU GUYS.
I took care of this game for you, okay? Look at me–LOOK AT ME–I took care of it. You don’t have to play this. Now run.